...lost....

so, i spent the last two hours in jordan's arms, bawling my eyes out. i'm not ready to give up my family. i still want my chance at happiness. i don't want to be alone forever. i don't want to raise my daughter by myself. i can't live with my mom and sisters forever. one day i'll have to move out and learn to make it on my own. i'm so scared of being by myself. and that's all it is.

i know in my heart things will never be right with jordan. but i also know, if i could learn to overlook the fucked up parts of our marriage, at least i'd never have to come home to an empty bed. if i could get used to him lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating, i could at least have my family. but that's not the family i want, and that's not the life i want to live.

i don't know what i'm going to do. i can't even pretend like i'd be able to live with myself if i took him back. that's the craziest thought that's ever crossed my mind. i just wish i had an easy answer.