...everything changes, everything stays the same...

it's been days since my last release. so many things have changed, yet it all still feels the same.

michael left kelley, finally. she showed up where he was friday night, and he got pissy, so he left and came to my house. he was here til 5am. he fell asleep in my bed, and it was the sweetest feeling in the world, having him right there beside me. i fell asleep in his arms, and i knew right then that it's where i've always wanted to be. it felt so good, so right. he didn't get home til after 6. she had a hissy, and he told her he wanted out, or at least that's the story i got. he and amber moved in with his dad until they can find a place. it's like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. i still don't know where i stand with him. at least when they were together, i knew my role.

he brought amber to work with him last night. i love that kid. she's amazing. and she most likely has the biggest mouth of anyone i know. her shut-up filter is nonexistent. she and i were talking about me driving home that morning, and she found out i live in ms. well, apparently she and michael have been talking about me cryptically. she didn't know who he was talking about: a girl who lives in ms and has one child. apparently, this girl needs to move closer to work, so he was considering looking for a house for the four of them-- the girl, her daughter, michael, and amber. the concept of moving in with him never seriously crossed my mind. i never thought he'd be one to rush into something like that.

we've always had this joke about him falling in love with me, which in reality, i never expected to happen. now, all of a sudden, when i joke with him about it, instead of laughing hysterically like he used to do, he responds with something crazy like "maybe that idea isn't so far-fetched." what the shit? how can he go from not loving me, to three days after he left his girlfriend, he might love me. omg. confusion.

i was talking to angie monday night about parts of this. (i'll never be able to tell her everything.) she said something that made sense, possibly for the first time since i met her... maybe he was just waiting to see what happened with me and jordan before he made any permanent changes in his life. i guess it's possible that all of these feelings and actions could have been there all along, right below the surface, with him waiting to act on them when he was certain of my intentions.

i know that i've said over and over again that i wanted him to fall for me, but now that it's in reach, it scares the shit out of me. i'm terrified. completely 100% terrified. and i don't really even know what it is i'm scared of: is it someone loving me, or the fact that i don't know where he stands, which means i don't know where i stand.

on top of everything else, i'm sick as a dog. live is just grand.