...darkness...

i always thought that by this point in my life, i'd have it all figured out. i'd be somebody. i'd be something. i would have made something for myself. i look around me, and all i see are the things i've left undone, never started, or given up on. i'll be 25 before i know it, and i have nothing to show for myself. i moved back to clarksdale right at a year ago. i said when we moved back, staying with my mom would be temporary, only for a couple of months til i could get back on my feet, find a house, and get settled into a job. it's been a year, a fucking year. i'm still right here where i started, living with my mother and my sisters. i'm like a child with a child. i feel so useless. i should have my own home, a place i can be me, live my life by my rules, and raise my child the way i see fit. i'm sick of always having someone to answer to, having someone breathing over my shoulder, telling me what to do and when to do it. i'm sick of censoring myself in my home. if i feel like walking to the bathroom in a teeshirt and underwear in the middle of the night, i shouldn't feel guilty or dirty. i can't live like this. i need my space to breathe.

when i pictured my life, i always *knew* i'd be settled down with someone who loves me. i knew my family would be complete. single mother never crossed my mind. it doesn't bother me that craig and i aren't together, that savannah's biological father lives nearly two hours away. i never loved him. i never really saw a future for us. splitting up was the best thing we could have ever done. we were miserable together. but i always thought i'd have someone, someone who made my life feel a little more complete. but now, i feel completely alone in this big, cold, dark world. and now i'm doubting that i'll ever find someone to spend my life with. my god, i don't want to be alone for forever, but i swear, i think that's the fate i've been dealt. i don't see 'happily ever after' anywhere in my future anymore. i have a hard time imagining it being just me and savannah, alone but together forever. i'm such a titty baby, i don't know if i can sleep in a house alone. i get so scared. i don't do alone well at all.

i've been an emotional wreck for at least the past three days. all i've wanted to do is lie in bed and cry my eyes out. i feel so helpless and hopeless. i feel like a complete failure. honestly, what have i accomplished with my life?

...amazing...

so, i worked all weekend. it was pretty slow, which was nice after the crazy past couple of weeks. michael took off early friday night, so i didn't get a chance to see him. he was feeling a little under the weather, but was texting me. i swear, he's the biggest, sweetest baby when he doesn't feel good. he asked me to eat dinner with him the following night.

saturday rolls around, and micheal calls to ask me what time i think i'll be able to eat. i said between 8:30 and 9:00 i should be caught up. he shows up at work with t-bone steaks and loaded french fries. he'd spent the last hour at the queen cooking just for me. it was really sweet. he says i'm the only girl he's ever cooked a steak for and brought it to them. i felt pretty special. then, of course, i had to question everything in my mind... he knew that cody cooked for me a few nights before, and i was raving about how sweet it was. maybe he just didn't want to be out done.

sunday night was shannon's last night. we were so slow, and it was great. we ate sonic, i went to walmart to kill time for about an hour, bought a bunch of snacks and what happens in vegas for shannon since she didn't get to finish watching it yet, and we sat in the break room stuffing our faces and watching the movie with no interruptions. we went to the casino when we got off to eat breakfast. it was pretty good. shannon wanted to go play a few dollars in the slot machines, so i took $40 out of the atm and decided to see how long $20 would last me. omg.... i hit the jackpot on the quarter slots--- cashed out with $669. i was so stoked. i went home, refusing to give the casino another dollar, and had a pretty good day with savannah. we went to walmart, the beauty supply store, ate mexican, then came home. i made her three new hair clips-- two ladybugs and a butterfly, which she loves and thinks are "perfect". i had an amazing weekend.

...whirlwind...

it seems like my life is always a mess. my heart just keeps getting caught in this whirlwind of emotions. sometimes i don't know which way is up, or whether i'm coming or going. i take two steps forward and fall three steps back. i need to get my head on straight and just learn to let go.

saturday was dustin's birthday party in helena. we had an amazing time, until i got drunk and tried to shoot dr. ball's 50 cal rifle. apparently drunk girls and big guns do not go together. i busted my face open on the scope. yes, it's lovely, and i'm certain to have a crescent shaped scar between my eyes once it's healed. i got too drunk to drive home, so i left my car in helena and michael agreed to drive me home. i couldn't convince him to stay the night. i have to have attention when i've been drinking, so like a dumb ass, i called the one person who i knew would love to deal with my drunk ass... jordan. big mistake. we got a hotel room and had an amazing night together, which i fully regret today. we had sex, then he held me and loved on me like i really was the one he wanted in his life. he fed me all the bull shit about how much he loves me and wants his family back. i feel so stupid now, but for that night, i believed him. the next morning, he drove me to helena to get my car. of course, when i got home, i had to have a story, so i told mama that i stayed in helena. she'd kill me if she knew i was with jordan. i hardly heard from michael at all on sunday.

michael had his sleep study in little rock on monday, so he wasn't at work. we talked a little early that day before his appointment, and he called me when he was getting settled in for the night, then again when he woke up at 4:30 am. that am phone call was so sweet. i just wanted to be his girl so bad. tuesday night was uneventful for the most part as well. michael and i spent some time together in the break room-- he studied while i charted. it broke my heart a little because he acted like we were nothing more than friends. i guess in actuality, that's all we really are.

i picked up savannah from the office when i got back to town wednesday morning, then we went to get my oil changed. i hadn't heard much from jordan since he dropped me off at my car in helena, so i pretty much accepted the fact that he will never try to fix what is messed up with us. i had every intention to go sign our divorce papers, but then my oil filter messed up and i lost all oil pressure in my car and had to take it back to the pit stop. cody said i needed to wash my car right away, so the divorce papers had to wait. while at the car wash, jordan called. he showed up at the car wash right when i was done, then we went to cleveland to get some breakfast. for a little while, it felt the way i wanted it to feel the entire time i was with him. i had hope, but it too would be lost. i took him back to his truck when we got back to town, and that was pretty much it. i may have gotten two text messages from him since then.

cody cooked me supper that night. it was amazing. i never realized he could grill like that. it was the best steak i've had outside of a restaurant. it was really sweet. he grilled steak, cooked me a baked potato, and made us a salad. we ate outside at sunset. it really was the perfect meal. i've never had someone cook for me before. it was an amazing feeling. i know how he feels about me, and i feel bad for letting this go on, knowing that i do not feel the same way. he had my heart one before, but i just can't bear to give it to him again. i know he would treat me the way i want to be treated, for the most part, but i just can't force myself to love him, or even to like him as more than just a friend. sometimes i really really really wish i could make myself love him. he is the only man who's ever gone out of his way to make me smile. i just wonder, if he finally got me, would that continue?

michael and i went to eat mexican tonight. about halfway through our meal, micheal says, "what's up with all these clarksdale guys wearing affliction and hysteria shirts?" my heart skipped a beat... hysteria? the only hysteria shirt i've ever seen was the one i bought jordan for christmas. it was him. jordan walked in with brooklyn, the whore he was screwing when we split up last summer, brittany, and fletcher. i tried not to freak out, but how could i prevent it? i knew he would cause a scene. i knew he couldn't just let us be and go on. if we would have set in the smoking section, like usual, jordan and i would have been sitting side by side. that's the only thing that saved me. he never came to our table, but he kept making himself visible. he'd get up to go get the waiter, which he never does. he walked right past us twice for no apparent reason.

so, after micheal left, we had the talk again... "do you really feel comfortable jumping into a relationship?" we've been seeing each other since january. is that really jumping into anything? he questioned if this was a rebound, if i was really over jordan. part of me thinks he'll never be ready to be with me. maybe this is just a transitory relationship for him. i would be happy to be his girl, the one he comes home to, the one he loves for the rest of his life. but a big part of me questions the likelihood of that ever coming to be.

...lost....

so, i spent the last two hours in jordan's arms, bawling my eyes out. i'm not ready to give up my family. i still want my chance at happiness. i don't want to be alone forever. i don't want to raise my daughter by myself. i can't live with my mom and sisters forever. one day i'll have to move out and learn to make it on my own. i'm so scared of being by myself. and that's all it is.

i know in my heart things will never be right with jordan. but i also know, if i could learn to overlook the fucked up parts of our marriage, at least i'd never have to come home to an empty bed. if i could get used to him lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating, i could at least have my family. but that's not the family i want, and that's not the life i want to live.

i don't know what i'm going to do. i can't even pretend like i'd be able to live with myself if i took him back. that's the craziest thought that's ever crossed my mind. i just wish i had an easy answer.

...everything changes, everything stays the same...

it's been days since my last release. so many things have changed, yet it all still feels the same.

michael left kelley, finally. she showed up where he was friday night, and he got pissy, so he left and came to my house. he was here til 5am. he fell asleep in my bed, and it was the sweetest feeling in the world, having him right there beside me. i fell asleep in his arms, and i knew right then that it's where i've always wanted to be. it felt so good, so right. he didn't get home til after 6. she had a hissy, and he told her he wanted out, or at least that's the story i got. he and amber moved in with his dad until they can find a place. it's like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. i still don't know where i stand with him. at least when they were together, i knew my role.

he brought amber to work with him last night. i love that kid. she's amazing. and she most likely has the biggest mouth of anyone i know. her shut-up filter is nonexistent. she and i were talking about me driving home that morning, and she found out i live in ms. well, apparently she and michael have been talking about me cryptically. she didn't know who he was talking about: a girl who lives in ms and has one child. apparently, this girl needs to move closer to work, so he was considering looking for a house for the four of them-- the girl, her daughter, michael, and amber. the concept of moving in with him never seriously crossed my mind. i never thought he'd be one to rush into something like that.

we've always had this joke about him falling in love with me, which in reality, i never expected to happen. now, all of a sudden, when i joke with him about it, instead of laughing hysterically like he used to do, he responds with something crazy like "maybe that idea isn't so far-fetched." what the shit? how can he go from not loving me, to three days after he left his girlfriend, he might love me. omg. confusion.

i was talking to angie monday night about parts of this. (i'll never be able to tell her everything.) she said something that made sense, possibly for the first time since i met her... maybe he was just waiting to see what happened with me and jordan before he made any permanent changes in his life. i guess it's possible that all of these feelings and actions could have been there all along, right below the surface, with him waiting to act on them when he was certain of my intentions.

i know that i've said over and over again that i wanted him to fall for me, but now that it's in reach, it scares the shit out of me. i'm terrified. completely 100% terrified. and i don't really even know what it is i'm scared of: is it someone loving me, or the fact that i don't know where he stands, which means i don't know where i stand.

on top of everything else, i'm sick as a dog. live is just grand.

...no happy endings...

we filled out our divorce papers yesterday. i cried like a baby, right there in front of him. after all this time, how can i still be so weak? the same lines, the same lies, the same bull shit... one more chance and things will be different, he's a different man. i know in my heart these things are not true, nor will they ever be. and i think that's what hurts so bad. i never wanted it to end this way. i still want him to be everything i needed. i wanted that chance at happiness, at a life filled with love, of being taken care of by the one i put my trust and faith in. two years down the drain. i know he'll never be the one i want him to be. but that doesn't kill the pain. i feel like i opened pandora's box. all of the pain, the lies, the hurt of the past two years came flooding back, drowning me right there. and once again, he watch me sink without ever trying to save me. he's no good for me, and deep down i know that. it's never hurt him to see me cry. he stood there and watch me die inside and still felt nothing. i just can't understand why i let him kill me over and over again. if i can see thru the lies and manipulations this time, why do i still let my heart break when i see that everything i wanted from him was unattainable? i hate the way i feel inside. i hate these tears i cannot hide. i hate myself for crying over someone so undeserving.

i gave him my half of the lawyer fees, and he took it and the papers back to the lawyer's office. 60 days from now, we should be divorced. sixty days. that puts us divorced on may 12. may 12. the day he asked me to marry me and promised me he'd be everything i ever needed. the day he promised me forever. the day he swore to never break my heart. when this realization hit, i broke again, harder than the first. this is it. my chance at love is over. i can't help but feel like it's me. like i'm the one who's so fucked up. like maybe i'm just not capable of being loved. maybe marriage and happiness aren't for everyone. maybe some of us are destined to be alone forever, and maybe, just maybe, i'm one of them.

i don't miss him. i don't miss the life we had together. i just feel like this was my last chance at forever. i've always desperately wanted that fairy tale love. the one that sweeps me off my feet, takes my breath away, and makes me feel alive, all at once. i wanted happily ever after. i wanted true and never ending love. i wanted the one who makes me feel complete, my other half, my soul mate. i wanted a family. i wanted someone to come home to, someone i don't have to question "where have you been all night?" i wanted someone i could trust and believe in, someone who loved me so much that it would hurt them to hurt me. i kept hoping that one day, jordan would grow up and become this man. now i see the lights flashing. he'll never grow up. he'll never be this man. shit, he'll never be a man. and he'll never be the one to make me happy. he will, without a doubt, be the one to always cause me immense pain. and this pain is my cross that i must bear alone.

so i'll try to keep my head up, plaster a big fake smile across my face, and pretend like i'm not dying inside. i'll pretend like i'm content with this life i'm forced to live. i'll force back the tears whenever anyone is close enough to see. i'll build the walls back around my heart, high enough to keep everyone out. i'll trust no one, give no one the ability to make me hurt like this again.

there is no happy ending, no happily ever after.

...just breathe...

so, yesterday was pretty much more than i can handle. jordan got out of rehab monday. i was really hoping if i didn't think about him, he would disappear. hmmm, looks like my plan failed miserably.

michael told me he loved me yesterday for the first time. it wasn't the full out declaration of his undying and eternal love that i hope to get one day, but it was perfect. his words were, "you know, i kinda love you, in my own way." i was pretty much speechless. and that doesn't happen often. instead of me replying with i love you too like a "normal" person would have, i gave him the "what? are you sure? have you been drinking" response. we always joke about him loving me, so i wasn't sure how to take it at first. i was praying that those words i've wanted to hear for weeks weren't some joke. eventually i got it out tho, i love him too. he's all i can think about lately. i get this amazing feeling inside whenever i hear his voice, see his smile, or even when i know that he's near. he's everything i've ever wanted and never thought i'd be lucky enough to find.

of course, sheer bliss doesn't last long in these parts. jordan showed up at the house. i went outside to talk to him for a little while, knowing it would be easier to get him to leave if he didn't come inside. i know i was cruel and hateful. he's just not what i want in my life anymore. i couldn't look at him without thinking of michael and how different they are in every aspect. savannah came outside. she was so happy to see him and that bothered me on so many levels. i want her to forget he exists. i don't want him to cause her an ounce of the pain i've felt because of his selfish actions. i told him i was going to bed, and he hugged me. i couldn't even hug back. i really didn't want him that close to me. i just stood there, with my arms by my side, not feeling anything at all, with michael on my mind. then that was that. he left.

when i think it's over and done with, he does something else to prove me wrong. he showed up at the pit stop to talk to cody. from what i gather from cody, jordan had the nerve to call me a bitch, say i'm the reason he was addicted to drugs, and that i use more than he does. when i heard this, i wanted to kill him. i can't just let things go. i had to call him and let him know that i knew. of course, he denied saying any of it and turned it around so that someone else is the bad person. what's new? nothing's ever his fault. i cussed and yelled. i told him one more time that i want a divorce. then he was pissed at me and screaming in my ear. apparently, he went and found a lawyer sometime after that. he said he was filing the papers so this can all be over with. i still have my doubts tho. nothing's easy with him. ending this for good won't be an exception.

michael came over when he got off work. he knew everything that happened, and he could tell a difference in me. i wasn't the mean, smart-ass, playful person he's used to. i just couldn't seem to get enough affection or attention from him. i just wanted to be in his arms, i wanted to feel him against me, i wanted to be his everything at that moment. i know i was being needy, and it took it a lot better than most people. he gave me everything i wanted, every ounce of attention, didn't pull away. it was amazing. he knows my heart and what i need, and he isn't scared to give it to me. he just kept saying over and over, "today really stressed you out, didn't it?" then he'd kiss me again. i can't tell you how long we just laid there, staring into each others eyes. it was the perfect ending to a crazy, insane day. the only thing that would have made it better is if he would have pulled me close and told me how much he loves me. but deep down i know that will come in time. these feelings are so sudden. i know it scares him to death. all he needs is someone else to break his heart. i just know i never want to be that girl.