...emotional...

i was a miserable, emotional wreck this morning. everything between michael and i seems to be weighing on me. i can't stand the thought of him with her. i hate thinking about them lying in bed together every night, him cooking supper for her, them kissing, him touching her the way he does me. it breaks my freaking heart when i think about the other life he lives when he's not with me. i don't know how women do this. there are some who spend years trapped in this never-ending cycle. the only explanation i can come up with, is those women don't have true feelings for the men they see behind closed doors.

i whined like a baby today and told him -somewhat- how i feel right now. he claims to understand, and he offered to back off til he could get his life straightened out and leave her, but in all honesty, i don't want that either. i feel complete when i'm with him, like a part of me has always been missing, but in him i found it. when i'm with him, i feel like what we have is true and pure, like the most honest thing i've experienced in my life. but how in the world can i even make sense of that? how can anything about this be honest or true if he's going home to her every night? he knows i can't live like this much longer and that at some point he has to make a choice. he claims he choses me, but just can't leave yet because he has finances and his children to think about. i don't know that i could deal with a real relationship with a man who is willing to stay out of convenience.

if it wasn't for the way i feel when i'm with him, i could possibly let him go. but when we're together, i feel like nothing in the world can touch us, like nothing else exists. he goes out of his way to do things just to make me smile. i've never had a man who was so perceptive or thoughtful. i just wish this could be easier.