...release...

so, my life is a bit of a mess at the moment.

nearly two months ago, jordan and i split up because of his addictions-- drugs, sex with random girls, porn, and got knows what else. the day after he moved out, he started inpatient treatment for his addictions. it's been so much easier on me since he's been gone. he's out of my life for the time being, so i don't have to face my feelings or reality. it has felt more like he's dead than just temporarily out of the equation. well, he gets out next week. i guess it's finally time for me to be a big girl and face my fears and figure out what i'm going to do. i don't love him anymore, not at all. i don't want him back in my life. i'm ready to move on with my life and start new. and that means i have to face him. i have to tell him how i feel, and then we have to start the process of getting a divorce.

then, there's michael. we met at work and immediately became friends. one thing lead to another, and before i realized what has happening, i was falling for him. he's the most compassionate man i've ever had in my life. he seems to put others before himself at all cost. he goes out of his way to make me smile. i feel like i'm important when i'm near him. it's like i'm the only girl in this world who exists... but the reality of that situation is, i'm not the only girl. he lives with his girlfriend of 3 years. he claims they're thru, that he has nothing for her anymore, and the only reason he's still there is because it's too hard for him to leave right now. deep down, i have a feeling that he never will leave her, that i'm destined to be "the other woman" through the entirety of our relationship. but for this moment, i'm willing to take that chance and be that person.