...no happy endings...

we filled out our divorce papers yesterday. i cried like a baby, right there in front of him. after all this time, how can i still be so weak? the same lines, the same lies, the same bull shit... one more chance and things will be different, he's a different man. i know in my heart these things are not true, nor will they ever be. and i think that's what hurts so bad. i never wanted it to end this way. i still want him to be everything i needed. i wanted that chance at happiness, at a life filled with love, of being taken care of by the one i put my trust and faith in. two years down the drain. i know he'll never be the one i want him to be. but that doesn't kill the pain. i feel like i opened pandora's box. all of the pain, the lies, the hurt of the past two years came flooding back, drowning me right there. and once again, he watch me sink without ever trying to save me. he's no good for me, and deep down i know that. it's never hurt him to see me cry. he stood there and watch me die inside and still felt nothing. i just can't understand why i let him kill me over and over again. if i can see thru the lies and manipulations this time, why do i still let my heart break when i see that everything i wanted from him was unattainable? i hate the way i feel inside. i hate these tears i cannot hide. i hate myself for crying over someone so undeserving.

i gave him my half of the lawyer fees, and he took it and the papers back to the lawyer's office. 60 days from now, we should be divorced. sixty days. that puts us divorced on may 12. may 12. the day he asked me to marry me and promised me he'd be everything i ever needed. the day he promised me forever. the day he swore to never break my heart. when this realization hit, i broke again, harder than the first. this is it. my chance at love is over. i can't help but feel like it's me. like i'm the one who's so fucked up. like maybe i'm just not capable of being loved. maybe marriage and happiness aren't for everyone. maybe some of us are destined to be alone forever, and maybe, just maybe, i'm one of them.

i don't miss him. i don't miss the life we had together. i just feel like this was my last chance at forever. i've always desperately wanted that fairy tale love. the one that sweeps me off my feet, takes my breath away, and makes me feel alive, all at once. i wanted happily ever after. i wanted true and never ending love. i wanted the one who makes me feel complete, my other half, my soul mate. i wanted a family. i wanted someone to come home to, someone i don't have to question "where have you been all night?" i wanted someone i could trust and believe in, someone who loved me so much that it would hurt them to hurt me. i kept hoping that one day, jordan would grow up and become this man. now i see the lights flashing. he'll never grow up. he'll never be this man. shit, he'll never be a man. and he'll never be the one to make me happy. he will, without a doubt, be the one to always cause me immense pain. and this pain is my cross that i must bear alone.

so i'll try to keep my head up, plaster a big fake smile across my face, and pretend like i'm not dying inside. i'll pretend like i'm content with this life i'm forced to live. i'll force back the tears whenever anyone is close enough to see. i'll build the walls back around my heart, high enough to keep everyone out. i'll trust no one, give no one the ability to make me hurt like this again.

there is no happy ending, no happily ever after.