...just breathe...

so, yesterday was pretty much more than i can handle. jordan got out of rehab monday. i was really hoping if i didn't think about him, he would disappear. hmmm, looks like my plan failed miserably.

michael told me he loved me yesterday for the first time. it wasn't the full out declaration of his undying and eternal love that i hope to get one day, but it was perfect. his words were, "you know, i kinda love you, in my own way." i was pretty much speechless. and that doesn't happen often. instead of me replying with i love you too like a "normal" person would have, i gave him the "what? are you sure? have you been drinking" response. we always joke about him loving me, so i wasn't sure how to take it at first. i was praying that those words i've wanted to hear for weeks weren't some joke. eventually i got it out tho, i love him too. he's all i can think about lately. i get this amazing feeling inside whenever i hear his voice, see his smile, or even when i know that he's near. he's everything i've ever wanted and never thought i'd be lucky enough to find.

of course, sheer bliss doesn't last long in these parts. jordan showed up at the house. i went outside to talk to him for a little while, knowing it would be easier to get him to leave if he didn't come inside. i know i was cruel and hateful. he's just not what i want in my life anymore. i couldn't look at him without thinking of michael and how different they are in every aspect. savannah came outside. she was so happy to see him and that bothered me on so many levels. i want her to forget he exists. i don't want him to cause her an ounce of the pain i've felt because of his selfish actions. i told him i was going to bed, and he hugged me. i couldn't even hug back. i really didn't want him that close to me. i just stood there, with my arms by my side, not feeling anything at all, with michael on my mind. then that was that. he left.

when i think it's over and done with, he does something else to prove me wrong. he showed up at the pit stop to talk to cody. from what i gather from cody, jordan had the nerve to call me a bitch, say i'm the reason he was addicted to drugs, and that i use more than he does. when i heard this, i wanted to kill him. i can't just let things go. i had to call him and let him know that i knew. of course, he denied saying any of it and turned it around so that someone else is the bad person. what's new? nothing's ever his fault. i cussed and yelled. i told him one more time that i want a divorce. then he was pissed at me and screaming in my ear. apparently, he went and found a lawyer sometime after that. he said he was filing the papers so this can all be over with. i still have my doubts tho. nothing's easy with him. ending this for good won't be an exception.

michael came over when he got off work. he knew everything that happened, and he could tell a difference in me. i wasn't the mean, smart-ass, playful person he's used to. i just couldn't seem to get enough affection or attention from him. i just wanted to be in his arms, i wanted to feel him against me, i wanted to be his everything at that moment. i know i was being needy, and it took it a lot better than most people. he gave me everything i wanted, every ounce of attention, didn't pull away. it was amazing. he knows my heart and what i need, and he isn't scared to give it to me. he just kept saying over and over, "today really stressed you out, didn't it?" then he'd kiss me again. i can't tell you how long we just laid there, staring into each others eyes. it was the perfect ending to a crazy, insane day. the only thing that would have made it better is if he would have pulled me close and told me how much he loves me. but deep down i know that will come in time. these feelings are so sudden. i know it scares him to death. all he needs is someone else to break his heart. i just know i never want to be that girl.