...whirlwind...

it seems like my life is always a mess. my heart just keeps getting caught in this whirlwind of emotions. sometimes i don't know which way is up, or whether i'm coming or going. i take two steps forward and fall three steps back. i need to get my head on straight and just learn to let go.

saturday was dustin's birthday party in helena. we had an amazing time, until i got drunk and tried to shoot dr. ball's 50 cal rifle. apparently drunk girls and big guns do not go together. i busted my face open on the scope. yes, it's lovely, and i'm certain to have a crescent shaped scar between my eyes once it's healed. i got too drunk to drive home, so i left my car in helena and michael agreed to drive me home. i couldn't convince him to stay the night. i have to have attention when i've been drinking, so like a dumb ass, i called the one person who i knew would love to deal with my drunk ass... jordan. big mistake. we got a hotel room and had an amazing night together, which i fully regret today. we had sex, then he held me and loved on me like i really was the one he wanted in his life. he fed me all the bull shit about how much he loves me and wants his family back. i feel so stupid now, but for that night, i believed him. the next morning, he drove me to helena to get my car. of course, when i got home, i had to have a story, so i told mama that i stayed in helena. she'd kill me if she knew i was with jordan. i hardly heard from michael at all on sunday.

michael had his sleep study in little rock on monday, so he wasn't at work. we talked a little early that day before his appointment, and he called me when he was getting settled in for the night, then again when he woke up at 4:30 am. that am phone call was so sweet. i just wanted to be his girl so bad. tuesday night was uneventful for the most part as well. michael and i spent some time together in the break room-- he studied while i charted. it broke my heart a little because he acted like we were nothing more than friends. i guess in actuality, that's all we really are.

i picked up savannah from the office when i got back to town wednesday morning, then we went to get my oil changed. i hadn't heard much from jordan since he dropped me off at my car in helena, so i pretty much accepted the fact that he will never try to fix what is messed up with us. i had every intention to go sign our divorce papers, but then my oil filter messed up and i lost all oil pressure in my car and had to take it back to the pit stop. cody said i needed to wash my car right away, so the divorce papers had to wait. while at the car wash, jordan called. he showed up at the car wash right when i was done, then we went to cleveland to get some breakfast. for a little while, it felt the way i wanted it to feel the entire time i was with him. i had hope, but it too would be lost. i took him back to his truck when we got back to town, and that was pretty much it. i may have gotten two text messages from him since then.

cody cooked me supper that night. it was amazing. i never realized he could grill like that. it was the best steak i've had outside of a restaurant. it was really sweet. he grilled steak, cooked me a baked potato, and made us a salad. we ate outside at sunset. it really was the perfect meal. i've never had someone cook for me before. it was an amazing feeling. i know how he feels about me, and i feel bad for letting this go on, knowing that i do not feel the same way. he had my heart one before, but i just can't bear to give it to him again. i know he would treat me the way i want to be treated, for the most part, but i just can't force myself to love him, or even to like him as more than just a friend. sometimes i really really really wish i could make myself love him. he is the only man who's ever gone out of his way to make me smile. i just wonder, if he finally got me, would that continue?

michael and i went to eat mexican tonight. about halfway through our meal, micheal says, "what's up with all these clarksdale guys wearing affliction and hysteria shirts?" my heart skipped a beat... hysteria? the only hysteria shirt i've ever seen was the one i bought jordan for christmas. it was him. jordan walked in with brooklyn, the whore he was screwing when we split up last summer, brittany, and fletcher. i tried not to freak out, but how could i prevent it? i knew he would cause a scene. i knew he couldn't just let us be and go on. if we would have set in the smoking section, like usual, jordan and i would have been sitting side by side. that's the only thing that saved me. he never came to our table, but he kept making himself visible. he'd get up to go get the waiter, which he never does. he walked right past us twice for no apparent reason.

so, after micheal left, we had the talk again... "do you really feel comfortable jumping into a relationship?" we've been seeing each other since january. is that really jumping into anything? he questioned if this was a rebound, if i was really over jordan. part of me thinks he'll never be ready to be with me. maybe this is just a transitory relationship for him. i would be happy to be his girl, the one he comes home to, the one he loves for the rest of his life. but a big part of me questions the likelihood of that ever coming to be.