...darkness...

i always thought that by this point in my life, i'd have it all figured out. i'd be somebody. i'd be something. i would have made something for myself. i look around me, and all i see are the things i've left undone, never started, or given up on. i'll be 25 before i know it, and i have nothing to show for myself. i moved back to clarksdale right at a year ago. i said when we moved back, staying with my mom would be temporary, only for a couple of months til i could get back on my feet, find a house, and get settled into a job. it's been a year, a fucking year. i'm still right here where i started, living with my mother and my sisters. i'm like a child with a child. i feel so useless. i should have my own home, a place i can be me, live my life by my rules, and raise my child the way i see fit. i'm sick of always having someone to answer to, having someone breathing over my shoulder, telling me what to do and when to do it. i'm sick of censoring myself in my home. if i feel like walking to the bathroom in a teeshirt and underwear in the middle of the night, i shouldn't feel guilty or dirty. i can't live like this. i need my space to breathe.

when i pictured my life, i always *knew* i'd be settled down with someone who loves me. i knew my family would be complete. single mother never crossed my mind. it doesn't bother me that craig and i aren't together, that savannah's biological father lives nearly two hours away. i never loved him. i never really saw a future for us. splitting up was the best thing we could have ever done. we were miserable together. but i always thought i'd have someone, someone who made my life feel a little more complete. but now, i feel completely alone in this big, cold, dark world. and now i'm doubting that i'll ever find someone to spend my life with. my god, i don't want to be alone for forever, but i swear, i think that's the fate i've been dealt. i don't see 'happily ever after' anywhere in my future anymore. i have a hard time imagining it being just me and savannah, alone but together forever. i'm such a titty baby, i don't know if i can sleep in a house alone. i get so scared. i don't do alone well at all.

i've been an emotional wreck for at least the past three days. all i've wanted to do is lie in bed and cry my eyes out. i feel so helpless and hopeless. i feel like a complete failure. honestly, what have i accomplished with my life?